Mother Goosed! Mod Mom's Questionable Nursery Rhymes

This ain't your Mother's...uh...Mother Goose...

Child 1 and Child 2 

Child 1 and Child 2 screamed and they battled. 

Child 1 provoking Child 2, who then tattled.

Just then, Daddy brought them food in a bag

Exactly the stuff for which they constantly nag

Greasy and grubby with sugar and carbs

They gobbled it down 'til they no longer barbed 

Mama said "Tomorrow we'll have broccoli and beets,

But for now let's just stuff 'em and put 'em so sleep."

Bake A Cake

Bake a cake 

Bake a cake

For the fam 

Make that shit as healthy as I can

Low sugar, low salt

And all gluten free

Nobody wants it - so who eats it?

Me

Old Mother MILF

Old Mother MILF

Refused to be shelf-ed 

She felt she was still in her prime

She put on her spanx 

And a low cut tank 

With stilletos and bronzer

But when nobody'd pounce her 

She got drunk on tequila and lime

Jack Ass (The Show)

Jack Ass be a dim bulb 

Jack Ass be fake

Jack Ass jumped over a pool full of snakes 

He fell in the drink

His Speedos hot pink

I'd watch it

But I like to think.

Little Miss Muffin Top

Little Miss Muffin Top

Could wear no jeans

Nor form fitting things like she could in her teens

She was bored and stressed 

And sometimes depressed 

So she ate morn, noon, night and some in betweens

She vowed she would stop 

Poor Miss Muffin Top

She vowed to quit cold turkey

'Cause she no longer felt perky

But then she was taken

With turkey and bacon 

Lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise and bread 

Over 40 just stinks

When your metabolism shrinks

She said "Fuck it!" and went to the diner instead

Hump Day Dump Day

Hump Day Dump Day

I've hit a wall

Hump Day Dump Day

I'm goin' to the mall

But all the things hoarded and all the didge spent

Couldn't put Hump Day 

To the back of my head 

Rock A Bye

Rock a bye baby on the tree top

When the wind blows the cradle will rock

When the bough breaks the cradle will fall...

Then along comes children's services to investigate it all

Because what kind of moron puts their baby to sleep in a tree?

The stupid people on the news that we so often see.

These dopes just shouldn't have kids

Cause their negligence is so off the grids 

In parenting, using your brain is the key.

Octo Mom

Octo Mom had lots of kids

Six prior and then the eight more

She decided to breed 'em

With no means to feed 'em

A thing which the public abhors

She looks totally botoxed 

This woman should detox

No more kids when you're single and jobless

But be careful to stomp on her rights

Though no one should endeavor that plight

It's just the thing they would vote against in Congress.

Vagina Vagina

Vagina vagina you belong to me

Vagina vagina why won't politicians let you be?

You suffer defeat by hypocrites in Senate seats

Interpretations presumptive

Of all things reproductive 

We'll fight 'em and never retreat

Just the thought that they might

Usurp our fundamental right

Because they see everything in black 

Or in white

Don't you see, they're all clowns?

This is reason enough 

To vote and protect your muff

We don't have to take this sitting down!

Oh Kardashians

Oh Kardashians, when will you go?

Oh Kardashians, everyone knows

You've really done nuthin' that's worthy of fame

A chunk of the public has tired of your name

We want you to go

You silly, trite hoes

Back from whence that you came.

Please don't leave a trace

Of the 15 minutes you chase

And PS...what happened to Bruce Jenner's face?