I'll admit it. I'm in analysis. I'm a stats checker. Everybody says to just write and don't worry about the damn numbers, but baby, as soon as I scrape the crust off my lids and open my baby blues in the a.m. and reach for the phone, I'm checking two things: the time (as if that's of any import) and my stats. And that's before I check Facebook.
Yeah. I know.
It's sick. And The Hubby has already made it known - in no uncertain terms - that he'd like at least a cordial peck on the cheek before I get my game face on for the day.
Let's get one thing straight; I love the writing thing. That is foremost in my mind. But I can't resist the sport of it either and being that I've spent most of my life in the pursuit of some ridiculously competitive endeavor, it's hard to shut that switch off, ya' know? I just want what's best for the blog. I just want to increase my readership, spread the love...blah, blah, blah.
I've been using the Blogger stats and I took all these fancy schmancy notes at BlogHer during the Google Analytics session. But for the life of me, I still haven't figured out how to embed that sucker on my blog, so that's on the To Do list for the week. Because I'd like to get a little more in depth about who's out there reading, how much and where from, for how long, what for and who-zeewhatsis. Because I'm curious, I have an inquiring mind and I'm nosey as hell.
And I get a kick out of thinking that somebody in Pakistan checked out my blog today, if only because they took a wrong turn at Google images and is now muttering at the screen "Who in de hell is dis Mod Mom?"
My kid likes to tease me. "Mom, nobody cares about your stupid blog except for those creepers in Uzbekistan who live in the basement with twelve other people." I just laugh at him and say "Don't be silly. I'm sure the WiFi in that basement is shit."
But he's kind of got a point in that if I just look at some of the keywords that are dragging in traffic, it's stunningly creepy. I've broached this topic before and I've mentioned some of the whack ass keywords I've seen on my stats. I really wish I could remember which post that was so I could do the responsible thing and include a link. But instead, I'll just rely on the inadvertent, accidental approach that has served me so well in the past with such stunners as:
Chick with her pie in the sky - I believe this is a nod to my post about the Cherry Pie In the Sky Martini. If I'd only had the foresight to imagine the horrid mental picture that would follow...well, I still would have posted it. It's a good drink and it's brought in a decent amount of traffic. Just don't drink in traffic, kids. It's dangerous.
Has Guy Fieri been in a porno? - Gee, I don't know. I wish I had an answer to this one, dear readers, but I have to say, when I think porn, I don't see Guy Fieri carrying on the torch that Ron Jeremy so inexplicably held for so long. Maybe they're confusing having a big dick with being a big dick? I know what they ended up with was a post about my kid getting a kick out of Guy. probably ruined the whole porn vibe. Sorry about that. But personally, I think Fieri himself kinda does that on his own. And no, I'm not going to stoop to the level of making jokes about his meat being "off the hook". I have standards people.
Little People, Big Paper Porn - Porn is big business this week apparently. In particular, porn involving the vertically challenged. I know I did a post that involved Amy Roloff and the fact that she has to climb the shelves at the supermarket to reach items at the top - and so do I. I'm 5'1 1/2". That half inch is very important. Because when I found out that the car seat height cut off was 4'9" and that 4'9" is considered the point at which one is still considered a little person...well, I was like Holy Snow White and the Seven....nevermind...I was just like...wow.... So what's the connection here? Little People Porn? That's just sick. And where does the paper come in? What's that all about? I prefer a much greener approach to porn. Paperless, ya' know? And much more PC than bringing the little people into it just for sport and sensationalism. I'm kinda old fashioned that way. I'm sticking with Velcro Midget Throwing Tournaments over straight up porn. Okay, I apologize. That was a cheap shot. I don't like the "M" word either. And if The Creator had intended people to be flung at and stuck to walls, He wouldn't have given us velcro to use for such vile purposes. He would have made glue sticks more effective.
Cream Filled Ass Pies Cover - Really there is just so much here. So wrong on so many levels. I can't even tell you what they were searching for because I have not posted on any of these subjects. I mean, what kind of twisted mind comes up with the idea to string these words together and then search them? Are we looking for a cover for our cream filled ass pies? Did I miss the latest Hostess commercials? "Hey Joey, what would you like in your lunch today? Another cream filled ass pie? You would?" But dammit, how am I gonna keep this thing fresh without crushing it in little Joey's lunch box? Those darn kids are always goofing off on the bus and the ass pies get smushed. Every time. If only...if only I had some type of cover...Siri, remind me to Google "cream filled ass pies cover" later.
Siri: Yes, I will remind you to search the web for "cream filled ass pies. Would you like me to schedule that?"
See? There's a perfectly logical explanation for that. And really, I think Martha Stewart should get on this. Not only should she publish her own cream filled ass pie recipe, which I'm sure would be rustic and delicious and perfect for Fall, but she could create a product to keep it fresh and untainted. Did I say untainted? Stop it.
Keyword: Martha Stewart cream filled ass pies cover.